


Virulent Tar

by UNICORNZWAG



Series: Definitions [3]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Grand Theft Auto Setting, Eating Disorders, Fake AH Crew, Poetry, Self-Hatred, Switch in Point of View, ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-26
Updated: 2016-04-26
Packaged: 2018-06-04 16:40:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6666256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UNICORNZWAG/pseuds/UNICORNZWAG
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gavin tries to find his definition</p>
            </blockquote>





	Virulent Tar

**Author's Note:**

> Check tags for trigger warnings. Starts with third person but switches to a first person account from Gavin.

 

Gavin works to define what he feels. Define what controls him. Define his demons. Here is his definition.

 

* * *

 

It’s not a choice.

It’s not something that can be controlled.

It’s not about counting calories.

It’s not always about control.

It’s looking at yourself and hating what you see.

It’s breaking every mirror in your house because you can’t stand to see what lives in its depths.

It’s the snake of hunger coiled in your gut that you know you must ignore.

It’s the fact that you can do your job on just energy drinks.

It’s when you finish your work so you don’t _really_ need to eat.

It’s functioning (maybe not).

It’s managing.

It’s an inveterate pattern.

It’s an angel whispering in your ear.

It’s the only voice you can trust.

It’s the only one you can really believe.

It’s the one who tells you just how awful you are.

It’s the one who hates you almost as much as you hate yourself.

It’s the truthful one.

It’s when your friends laugh at how skinny you are.

It’s when people ask what your secret is.

It’s when people wish to be like you.

It’s your wish that no one else ever has to.

It’s knowing that this is the only way they can stand to have you around.

It’s a terror in the night.

It’s the moment when you break and do what you’ve worked so hard not to.

It’s scarfing down food on the kitchen floor at four a.m.

It’s when you’re crouched over the toilet trying to undo what you’ve done.

It’s ten mile runs and six hour work outs.

It’s passing out in the middle of the living room because your blood sugar is too low.

It’s the fact that you’re never good enough.

It’s the reality your friends should know but they don’t.

It’s wondering if you should tell them, but knowing they’d make you stop.

It’s looking at a double digit number on the scale and thinking, “not good enough.”

It’s knowing somewhere, deep in your mind, that this is dangerous.

It’s a puppet master that controls you from the inside.

It’s a virulent tar that coats your mind with its poison.

It’s knowing what you’re doing, yet not being able to stop.

…

“ _Monsters are real… they live inside us, and sometimes, they win._ ”

-Stephen King

Even if you don’t want them to.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed the tragedy of my writing. Comment and we'll have a chat.  
> Check out TheVagabondGod's work below!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Golden Boy](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7795789) by [TheVagabondGod](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheVagabondGod/pseuds/TheVagabondGod)




End file.
